The Ups and Downs of Lockdown

Theresa's Story.

Sometime, in late 2019, some fucked up thing happened with a bat. And hell on Earth was released in the form of Covid-19. It landed in Ireland God knows when but we only copped it in February. 

So, on March the 12th, life as I knew was about to end. They closed the schools and I knew we were fucked. 

Fast forward 10 weeks, or, as I like to call it "Eleventy million days" since the schools closed and here’s the deal. 

I can’t remember what day of the week it is. 

I’ve now lost any bit of sanity I had left before this lockdown, which in fairness wasn’t much. 


I’m not alone in that people are starting to go stir crazy and turn on each other. Shit's getting real on FB and the "Ma's on a Mission" is turning into a mix of the Jerry Springer show and WWE. People are only short of smacking each other in the face with a chair for going to B+Q or buying a puppy. 😬😬


All the shops are closed, including Penneys, and my child has decided he is the Incredible Hulk and rips his t-shirts all day long. Talk about being abandoned in my time of need, thanks for nothing Penneys 🙄 I joke (kind of, but not really!) 😂😂


Oil is cheap but I keep forgetting to get a fill, it seems to be a running trend with me. My new catch phrase is "someone remind me"! Half the time I say this no one is even in the fucking room, so unless Casper the friendly ghost is going to remind me, I need another plan. 


All the parents of the world are home schooling their kids. By the looks of FB posts it looks like it’s all going well but no one is seeing the heads on the parents, that’s where the truth lies, secretly we’re all fucking counting down them seconds till these mini versions of ourselves go back to school and we can have a wee, a shower, a meal or even just an inhale of oxygen in peace. 


I could be trying to use my time wisely, reading, educating myself, doing an online course, but instead in my spare time I'm watching re-runs of Friends and Gavin and Stacey, and doing my 100th quiz on what Disney character I am or what fruit best represents my personality. 


This week alone -


I forgot my child’s date of birth today. Well done me 👍 


I’ve made a holy show of myself crying hysterically in Dunnes because someone asked, "was I doing ok?" The answer was clearly “Noooooo 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭” All the while Jude photographed me going around (thanks kid I really needed photographic evidence of that shit show). 


My microwave exploded, so there’s goes my culinary career. 


My crazy child just decided to go for gold and really see how far he can push me.

He has stripped butt naked in the car and, as we approach the Garda check point. starts peeing in the car 🤦‍♀️


He’s had too many bitch fits to count and so have I. 


He has no shoes left because he has got into the paddling pool twice fully clothed including shoes, but I still haven’t emptied it because 🤷‍♀️ why? That’s right! I forgot again. 🤦‍♀️


He’s taking photographs of my every move. He had 117 pictures of me asleep, he’s been upgraded to stalker level now. 😂


You may ask why I write this post? Next year, when this pops up in my time hop, let’s be honest I don’t care if there is a dolphin in a canal or whatever, this is a letter to my future self. So, hey future Theresa, if your kid is in school right now and you don’t have a little human under your skin 24/7 photographing your every move, shut the fuck up moaning and appreciate the peace from fucking 9a.m. to 3.30p.m. you ungrateful bitch ......


On the other hand, if your still in lockdown this time next year you probably won’t be reading this as you will have definitely lost your mind and probably don’t remember your own name let alone your child’s date of birth or the day of the week!!!!

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